On loneliness & loving yourself
I am the kind of person who says “yes” right away when a trusted friend invites me to join them. I figure out the logistics later. Often, I don’t even ask about the details in advance. I just love to be with the people I love; to spend time with them, doing pretty much anything. If I think back, I think I’ve always been this way, and it’s part of why connection is such a core value for me, and quality time is probably one of my “love languages”.
Kinds of loneliness
The flip side of that coin is my lifelong relationship with loneliness, of the deep, aching kind. As a child and as an adult, the loneliness has tended to show up at nightfall. I feel restless, craving more of the connection I had earlier - actually, something deeper. If I engage with media that is heavy on connection feelings, like a rom-com, I feel worse. There was a period in my life when that feeling was so intense, and I was so unwilling to feel it, that I would numb myself with alcohol and just go to sleep so that I could move on to another day without dealing with it. I felt miserable on those nights, and my actions perpetuated the feelings of loneliness. I haven’t felt that in many years, and I feel secure knowing I am better able to face and deal with any feelings nowadays. But the memory of the despair is a life companion: the dog that walks a few steps behind me, in case I lose my way.
I’ve also felt the worst kind of loneliness: feeling lonely while you’re with another person, feeling lonely in a relationship, in a family, in a marriage. Accompanied, but existentially alone.
Recently, I was having a walking & talking moment with a new friend, and she asked me to clarify the concept of taking care of one’s own needs and other people not being responsible for our needs. I gave loneliness as an example, and realized immediately what a universal experience loneliness is1. And what a great sandbox it is for working on that non-linear balance between taking care of yourself and understanding that humans are relational and we cannot survive on our own. How can both be true?
I had a very social weekend: four days of spending time with good friends. But as the sky grew darker on the last day, loneliness was right there with me. Not the despair kind (I feel that despair grows from the unwillingness to examine what is present), just a restlessness, a void, and a craving. I did a short medidation that I will share with you, with my comments, because it helped solidify what I was already believing:
that I already have what I need inside me;
that others are not the cure to my loneliness;
and that I can feel this and still be ok.
Love Meditation or Metta Sutra, by Thich Nhat Hanh
May I be peaceful and light in my body and in my mind.
May I be safe and free from accidents.
May I be free from anger, unwholesome states of mind, fear and worries.
Fair enough. All this helped me situate myself in my body, and my breathing, and calm my restlessness *somewhat*. It’s what came next that brought more insight:
May I know how to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and compassion.
This is so key. This relates directly to the thing of “you have everything you need inside you”, and step one of meeting your own needs (without forgetting we are relational beings).
When I am willing to examine my feelings instead of wallow in them, I can start to see clearly what it is, really, that I am looking for. If I imagine another person offering me something, what is it I’m wanting to receive, to be given, to have? So, in this case, let’s say I am aching to be seen in that light of full understanding and compassion (opposite of critical, judgmental, dismissive, or -worse- ignored completely). And here is Thich Nhat Hanh saying, may I look at MYSELF that way! How many of us give ourselves the gifts we are desperate for others to give us?
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn how to nourish myself with joy each day.
A reminder to give myself that gift of joy , daily. What have I done today to offer myself a moment of real joy?
This is, for me, the true meaning of self-care: am I treating myself as well as I wish another would treat me? Or am I ignoring myself, judging myself harshly, criticizing my failures, and being dismissive of my “unpleasant” feelings?
Also, the better I treat myself, the better I will expect others to treat me. My standards will change once I understand what I actually need, what I can give myself, and what role others can play.
Humans are relational beings
Of course, there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. My belief is that, once you have fed yourself with the really deep love for yourself that Thich Nhat Hanh is talking about, you may still look at your day, or your week, or your life and think: ok, but I still miss people; I need people. And this is true. Even taking into consideration different personality types, introverts, extroverts… to some degree, we all need people, and if the need is actual human contact, then you can do that now, having nourished yourself, not from a “needy” or desperate place, but from a place of… getting your own needs met! An empowered, secure place, where you are in control of seeking out and finding what you know you need. No substitutes.
I wrote about how I did this in another post:
Some actual stats on how lonely Canadians feel: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/211124/dq211124e-eng.htm and Global stats: https://www.statista.com/statistics/1222815/loneliness-among-adults-by-country/