When Other People Hurt Your Feelings
What if...
[Note: I took a little, much-needed break for the holidays. I hope the new year brings everyone peace, self-acceptance, and stronger relationships!]
What if you are practicing accepting and loving yourself as you are, and then other people get angry or “disappointed in you” because they see you as failing at something (eg not doing enough, not acting to a certain standard, etc.)?
What if you are setting healthy boundaries, and then someone either implies or straight out accuses you of not giving enough, or of being selfish?
What if you are doing your best as a parent, and your kid somehow still has an epic meltdown or acts out in a way that is profoundly hurtful to you (eg saying I hate you!, or injuring a sibling or yourself)?
I am very grateful to someone who read my post about Self Doubt and essentially presented me with a “but what if” scenario like those above. What if I am doing everything “right” but things still go painfully wrong?
This is so familiar to me. The parenting examples are the toughest for me, perhaps because it’s an area of greater vulnerability for me. I am acutely sensitive to the notion that I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent, because, beyond the baby stage, I literally didn’t know what I was doing. I always thought it would just come naturally, but I hadn’t bothered noticing the fact that my own model of upbringing was so seriously flawed, that I didn’t have a good template. I had a lousy model to go on. So for the past 8 years or so I have worked like crazy to learn better parenting skills. Kids are excellent at detecting your repressed traumas, let me tell you. The good news is: if you pay attention, that experience can also lead to deep healing, but that’s another post.
ANYWAY… I am very familiar with the situation where I’ve done all the empathizing, and gotten down below eye level (eye level is not good enough, apparently), and backed off when they asked me to but still stayed available… and I still get a shoe thrown at me. And then I’ve wondered: “but why?” But why, when I did ALL THE RIGHT THINGS?
Imma tell you why. Go back to my post where I talk about the Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. Or skip it, here’s the point: in that book, she says that women are notorious for over functioning when it comes to managing other peoples’ feelings, and under functioning when it comes to our own feelings. What does that mean? I’m not her, but what I take it to mean is that, in that scenario with my very angry kid, the thing I am forgetting all the time is: I am not responsible for their feelings or their reactions and they are not responsible for mine. Empathy, eye level, etc., are not a behaviour control mechanism. They are allowed to feel angry. And while we all need to learn that hurting people isn’t an acceptable way of expressing that anger (whether it’s throwing shoes or hurtful words or cutting silences), it’s not on me to “do” anything about the feeling.
What IS my job, and I understand Harriet Lerner is saying that, as a woman, I’ve been so socialized to take care of other people’s emotions that I typically under function at this, is taking care of my own feelings. In other words: taking responsibility for my reaction to my kid’s ongoing anger despite my care and attention. It is not the kid’s job to make me feel like a “good” parent.
It is not my job to make sure everyone thinks or agrees I’m doing enough. It’s not anyone’s else to make sure I accept myself no matter how much I can do, or to reassure me that I’m enough.
It is not my job to make sure others are happy and agree with my boundary setting. It is not anyone else’s job to set those boundaries for me or congratulate me for setting them.
It is not my job to make sure everyone likes me the way I am. It’s not anyone else’s job to like me the way I am or to tell me how wonderful I am.
It’s nice when someone reassures me that I’m enough just the way I am, and it’s lovely when people respect and appreciate my boundaries, and I am only friends with people who like me the way I am - and occasionally tell me how wonderful I am! I love it when my kids show me their love and appreciation (and don’t throw objects at me). But it always has to start with me, and then grow outwards. Anything else is asking others to do my work for me.
An important part of that work, for me, has been untangling who owns what. Where does my job end and the other person’s begin? Where does the other person’s job end and mine begin? What is mine and what is theirs?