What are my values again?
Questions to jog your memory
The pandemic inspired me to listen to a lot of podcasts. When did I have time to listen to podcasts, when I was a full-time mom/wife/worker bee? Well, I liked plugging in while I made dinner, and let the kids watch TV at that time. Some of those podcasts provided a sense of comfort and entertainment (Terrible, Thanks for Asking, comes to mind). And others completely changed my life and my outlook, for the better. I’m thinking particularly of The Happiness Lab, by Dr. Laurie Santos, which got me serious about spending time in nature, meditating and focusing on my values.
The whole topic of values and making one’s actions align with them came up repeatedly: in Tara Brach’s talks and in Dr. Susan David’s book Emotional Agility, to name a couple of examples.
I can’t remember anymore where I picked up these questions, but it was in one or more of the above. They are meant to elucidate what your values are. I like them as conversation starters, too, because they reveal a lot about what the other person’s values are. So, please answer these questions, if you like:
What is the most worthwhile thing you did today (or yesterday)?
If this was your last day to be alive, and you didn’t have to tell anyone about it*, how would you spend it?
If you were at the end of your life, looking back, how would you like to have spent your time?
Imagine yourself at the end of your life. What do you wish for yourself, how would you like to be?
I can tell you mine, because I’ve been answering these questions for months. Some of them overlap, so I’m summarizing:
On any given day, the most worthwhile thing I’ve done is either spent time connecting with nature, or spent time connecting with my kids, or both. Connecting with nature and connecting with people are at the top of my list of values. In fact, connecting with people has been so important to me my whole life that I see it as the very purpose of my existence.
If I am completely honest, what I would most like to do on my final day on Earth is swim in the ocean. I would like to be completely immersed in that enormous, moving, mysterious body of water where we all came from. The thought reminds me of when I was a kid and I liked to duck under the waves in the Pacific. I loved the fear and the thrill of being knocked over and tossed and turned. Like the fear I felt on roller coasters: a release of control but not terrified, because some part of me knew that I would be ok.
I interpret this one as coinciding with my value of nature and of experiencing life through the senses.
At the end of my life, even if my mobility, my eyesight, and the sharpness of my mind are reduced, I hope I am able to experience the world fully through my senses, especially my sense of touch but whichever ones are available will do.
The value I put on experiencing life through the senses is pretty limbic and I would understand if some people considered it “lesser”, but that the great thing is there are no right or wrong answers. And the answers might/will change over time. Sometimes, when I do this exercise, I worry that I’m not choosing the same things “other people” might. But if I pretended to, then I wouldn’t be authentic, and authenticity is a big value for me. I don’t have the energy to live a pretend life.
I have other values that don’t fit neatly into these questions, such as my love of learning new skills, resourcefulness, tolerance, equity, friendship, interconnectedness, self-expression, and honesty.
Of course, reflecting on my values was one thing, but as Susan David says:
Without action, a value is just an aspiration - not the way we really are.
So the thing I keep forgetting and remembering to do is checking in. What WAS the most worthwhile thing I did yesterday? AM I taking steps to create the life I want to look back at in the future? Sometimes, I’m on Twitter and I forget completely to do the most basic stuff. And sometimes, after months of intention, it comes naturally, and I’m out in nature daily, feeling the cool air in my warm torso, and the exhilaration of completing an effort for a purpose (not just for effort’s sake) as I reach a plateau and pause, close my eyes, and take another deep breath.
* I added this because, without it, I know I would feel obligated to spend my whole day meeting other people’s expectations of what I SHOULD do on my last day. Adding this phrase gave me the freedom to answer honestly.