How to be a mom with a social life
Building community while folding laundry
How hard is it, as a mom, to find time to get everything done, while also nourishing your soul with those important friendship relationships? And I don’t mean texting each other in between crises. I mean hanging out, talking, sharing the things we think only happen to us (what, your kids are also annoying sometimes and you’re not all zen about it??), giving and receiving that compassionate understanding that women are so good at.
A friend overseas told me about an upcoming women-only trip she was invited to by another mom. She was contemplating whether she could make it work. I think the offer she received is a necessary luxury. Liking having a work-day off and NOT spending it with your kids, it’s hard for us sometimes to feel like we deserve it, that it doesn’t make us selfish or a “bad mom” to take it, and that, in fact, it nourishes us and makes us better people, better parents. Models of healthy self-care, if you will.
If no one has invited you on a ladies’ getaway, how do you make sure you get that face time with friends? Even if you’re separated and have time to yourself, how can you connect with mom friends who are busy with their own kids? Recently, I stumbled on this wonderful win-win solution, thanks to a request a (temporarily) harried friend made of me. She’d had a very difficult week, with poor sleep, childcare issues and more. She very wisely and courageously asked me for the help she needed: would I come over -when I wasn’t with my kids- and watch her children while she prepared supper and put the little one to bed.
Here’s the thing that’s important to remember when you need help: people WANT to help you. People are dying for the opportunity to say yes, if they can. So of course I said yes, I was happy to. Sitting there, reading books to her 4 year old, chatting with my friend over dinner, helping put away toys, I was both gratified by being able to provide a helpful service, and also by being able to spend face to face time with my friend. So win-win! I thought of other friends who might benefit from a similar arrangement.
The following week I sat on the floor with a dear old friend, mom to four, and matched socks (there’s a lot of them!) while we caught up on life. If I had just invited her out, for a drink or a walk, she might not have had time, or she might have felt torn between her duties and taking time “off” to socialize. She might have gone out with me and then still had to go home to fold a million little pairs of underwear. Instead, win-win, we happily completed her to-do task AND got to spend time enjoying each other’s company.
This is the essence of community. It’s not just a ladies night out (which I love and would not say no to); it’s support that comes both in practical ways and in less tangible connections we make as we spend time together. Unfortunately, our society has been designed counter to this, with our nuclear families all in their own little cocoons, far from extended families, and a reticence to ask for help or to offer it. We make assumptions that isolate us further, such as believing that a married couple doesn’t need any help; or that a popular friend wouldn’t be interested in our friendship. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of our homes faced shared common spaces (like some alleys in Montreal), if we lived in close multi-generation quarters, so that people at different stages of life could support each other? Some people do have this, and I hope they appreciate how fortunate they are. For the rest of us, it is a risk to reach out: whether to ask or to offer. A risk with a beautiful reward on the other side.
Later, I read this inspiring article on community living, in the New Yorker, by Nathan Heller: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/07/05/in-a-divided-country-communal-living-redefines-togetherness